Time Fades

The struggles I face
from day to day

Are struggles that won’t
seem to fade away

I wake in the morning
and what do I see

A lost little girl
mourning to be

I struggle with loss,
pain and anxiety too

But most of all I
struggle from not having you

Time will heal
So they say

So I watch the clock
As time fades away
*Inspired by the chapel service on November 2, 2016. Reading the Book of Life”

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She Wants To Be Perfect

Words hurt

Bitch, Whore, Slut

She runs upstairs and grabs a knife

She cuts and cuts and cuts

Blood gushing out onto the floor

She screams, she cries, yet seems like no one hears her

She’s drowning in the dark

Fat, Gross, Disgusting

She runs and slams the bathroom door

She leans into the toilet

She throws up just so she can be thin

She wishes to be perfect, “it’s not fair” she says

She laughs and smiles at school, but why can no one see it’s a lie

Everything she does is fake

Her soul has been broken, she will never be the same

She never told anyone and no one will ever know because she keeps quiet

She doesn’t want people to think she wants attention

She takes the rope, hangs herself in the dark

She no longer has a beating heart

Her friends fall to the ground as they hear the words, “She’s dead”

Her brother cries as he sleeps in her bed

She is gone

She is done

Just because of people. People making fun.

She’s buried on a Saturday

On a gloomy, melancholy day

People start crying

All because that one girl stopped trying

so before judging someone on their weight or their clothes

their laugh, their talk, their hair, or their nose

Just take a moment to realize and see

Everyone is not always who they seem to be.

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This I Believe…

I believe in finding a good frog. It seems that all throughout childhood, we are taught to look for a happily ever after. “And they all lived happily ever after”; isn’t that the conclusion to many children’s films? When I was a kid I always thought of that as magical; but now really it just seems unrealistic. And it teaches us that what we want is a fairytale like they have in the storybooks. We all want to be Cinderella who gets swept off her feet by the hot prince; we want to live in the royal castle, right? But I don’t think that’s necessarily a good thing for us to seek. Now, I’m not saying I believe in being pessimistic, but I do believe in being realistic; it’s something I got from my mom.

My mother and I always have our best conversations in the rain. We sit in the car, neither of us wanting to brave the rain to get to the house. So we sit. We watch droplets race down the windshield, listen to the rain strike the roof of her little gold mini van, and feel the heater on full-blast rushing at our feet (just the way we like it). I don’t know why, but sitting in the car, we always talk more than normal. There was one rainy day when my mom told me something that is going to stick with me forever. Earlier that day she and my dad had been arguing about something; I can’t remember what. So she said, “Don’t spend your life looking for Prince Charming. Instead, find yourself a really good frog.” At the time, I found this thought really disheartening. Who wants to think that you’ll never find Prince Charming? You’ll never get to be Cinderella? Another thought that struck my mind: if my mom says there’s no Prince Charming, then what’s my dad? A frog? I asked her, and she replied with, “Of course! If he were Prince Charming, he wouldn’t snore, would be able to cook, and we would never argue. But you know what? He’s a damn good frog.” Of course, being young, I didn’t think of the meaning behind what she was saying. I was too busy thinking of it literally, visualizing my mom as a princess and my dad in frog form.

But a few years later, I understand the value of my mom’s words. You can’t expect everything to be perfect. Let’s be completely honest; if you wait your whole life for your prince with flowing hair, statuesque features, and a white horse, you’re going to be lonely. I think that the point of finding a good frog is you accept something that’s great, flaws and all. It’s so easy to be picky. You can find the one tiny thing that’s wrong, and that one tiny thing is what you can’t get your mind off of. But in life, we can’t afford to wait years in vain for perfection. So I think that a good frog, an amazing frog, the best frog you can find is what we’re really looking for in this world. Don’t laze through life waiting for a happily ever after, because I don’t think you’ll be very happy with the outcome.

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Depression: What It Feels Like

My alarm goes off at 6 in the the morning, indicating that it’s time for me to get ready for school. Everything seems like such a mundane routine by now, and it’s only the beginning to middle of October. I lay in bed because I don’t want to get up, and it feels like the only place where I am safe. However, I manage to muster up the energy to roll myself out of my protective nest, only to be visited by that familiar feeling of dread.

Today is another day where I will be reminded that I am a failure.

My depression comes and goes in flares, and it’s usually brought on by my anxiety involving popular topics such as school, my future, and my insecurities. Lately, it’s been school and my future. I’m obsessed with grades. I’m obsessed with doing well, and I give myself high expectations. But since my depression has been beating me into the ground these past couple of weeks, I find it hard to be motivated in my classes, which stresses me out even more, resulting in a session of numb depression. And then it starts all over again. I tell myself these things that have become quite the regularity:

“I’m done”

“I want to drop out of high school”

“I hate myself”

“I hate my life”

“I’m exhausted”

“I’m a failure”

“I’m a loser”

“What’s the point?”

These thoughts and I, as scary as they are, are quite acquainted each other. I’m not terrified of them anymore because I’ve gotten so used to their existence. My depression gets so bad sometimes, that I rip myself down to shreds and I am my own worst enemy. Depression is when you look at the thing that once used to scare you dead in the eye, and just not care anymore. Their frightening reality is just another day, just another emotion and it doesn’t phase any longer. It’s this weird combination of feeling like you can take on anything in the world and be emotionless, and yet vulnerable at the same time. You just don’t know what’s going to happen next. 

Depression is feeling like nobody understands you, and you’re all alone in this chaotic world. It’s even shutting out the ones who care about you the most because it’s easier to push away those who are the most important to you. It’s curling up in bed and wanting to be left alone and still want to be comforted by someone at the same time. And it’s getting angry at every little thing, crying so much and feeling out of control, but not displaying any emotion at all and giving up on yourself and on everyone else. It’s getting ready for something bad to happen because you’re pessimistic, always looking for the negative. It’s feeling like you deserve to be punished all of the time, and expecting bad things to happen to you on a daily basis. And it hurts. Depression is it’s own kind of unique pain that I can’t exactly put into words, but nobody should have to experience it all alone. 

It’s a day of just finding some speck of energy to get by and to complete all of your adult obligations, but wanting to scream at the top of your lungs and have someone tell you it’s going to be okay. It’s me feeling like there is something wrong with me, that nobody will ever love me and I’m going to spend the rest of my days alone and unloved, even though I am surrounded by people who love me so much. It’s forgetting what you have in front of you because they seem so minuscule in comparison to the the painful obstacles you’re enduring. Honestly… depression feels like your world is ending, and everything is hopeless and confusing and a mess. It’s desperately wanting sweet relief more than anything. 

The world’s not
really against you
The only one that’s against
you is yourself
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An Open Letter To the Korean-American Community

When I was a sophomore in high school, I had posted a mirror selfie. I was in a crop top, shorts and heels and one of my knees were bent while my head was just titled to the side (you know the typical white girl mirror selfie). A few weeks later, my mom stood over my shoulder and watched me delete the photo, scolding me for embarrassing her in front of the Korean-American community with my scandalous photo.

I grew up in a society where everybody knew everything of everyone. People lived off of gossip, from people’s jobs to people’s 401K plans. But the most interesting, and juiciest pieces of gossip were always about their children.

In elementary and middle school, it was about ERBs or “evil reading booklets” as the students called them. This was a standardized test the students from 1st-7th grade had to take and this will reflect on how the school was doing. In high school, it was about PSAT scores, AP scores, then SAT/ACT scores, then college acceptances. And in between the years, every relationship, outfit, and photo never went unnoticed.

Everybody gossips. It’s often used as a source of entertainment, and a means to justify our own actions or a way to feel better of our lives. Most of the time, gossip is harmless; but when it is used to pit people against each other, it becomes destructive.

That was how I, and I daresay, many others, felt like growing up. We didn’t simply represent ourselves, rather we represented our whole family. Perform well on a test, and that meant that the ordeal our parents had to go through coming to the United States was all worth it. Wearing modest clothes and looking presentable meant that our parents had taught us well. Everything we did directly reflected on our family.

Everything we did directly translated to how we should be treated. Growing up I was taught that those who did well in school were the ones who were to be looked up to. These were the people I had to surround myself with, and these were the people who I should be seen with. On the other hand, those who made poor decisions, who were kicked out of schools for misbehavior, those were the kids whose names were spoken in a whisper. Who I was never to even think about.

I write about what I know. I know that I am a Korean American, and I know that this is what my life was like growing up. Which is why I am singling out the Korean American community. Growing up, I felt like I was held under a microscope, and even a flick of a finger in the wrong direction could lead me to be shunned. Growing up, I thought it was normal to think not only of how my decisions would affect me, but even more importantly, how it would affect my family’s reputation under your eyes. But I have now decided that’s not normal, and more importantly, that is not OK. No child should have to feel such a heavy burden on their shoulders. Stop using your children as a means of social judgment. In fact, stop judging yourselves so heavily at all. Underneath every action is 100 feet of decisions and dedications, that a person had to make. So unless you have as much patience and tenacity to analyze such decisions as you do every result, you have no right to judge us at all.

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Estee Lauder Double Wear Stay-In-Place Makeup Foundation SPF 10

I’m so excited to share with y’all this review because this foundation has been my go-to for the last month. This foundation has been a cult favorite for many people, it’s the Estee Lauder Double Wear Stay-In-Place Makeup Foundation.

My Skin Type: Oily, dehydrated with clogged pores

Shade: 3N2 Wheat

Packaging: Frosted glass bottle, gold screw on lid, no pump (however, a MAC pump or the Covergirl Outlast Stay Fabulous 3-in-1 Foundation pump works perfectly)

Details/Claims: On the Estee Lauder website this foundation claims to be long wearing (24 hours) with medium to buildable full coverage. The finish saids to be matte and the formula is oil-free, oil-controlling, dermatologist-tested, non-acnegenic; wont clog pores, and fragrance-free. It looks flawless and natural while feeling lightweight and comfortable.  It won’t oxidize and it’s transfer-proof.

When applying this foundation I like to mix a bit of my Estee Lauder Night Time Repair Serum with the foundation and apply it with my RealTechniques Beauty Blender. This gives the foundation a natural glowy finish and not just a flat matte finish. In my foundation I look for a natural finish. I love matte foundations, but not flat matte because they tend to cling to my dry patches. The shade range of this foundation is pretty good. I think they could’ve gone a little lighter and a little darker, but overall I’m happy with the shade range compared to other foundations on the market. The foundation is a high medium coverage but can be built up to a full coverage. Overall, I give this foundation an 8/10 stars. The reason it does not get a 10/10 is because this foundation is a little too matte for me which is why I mix it with my Night Time Repair and it tends to cake up around my nose.

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An Open Letter To My Best Friend

There are probably a million articles out there about “why my best friend is better than yours.” Well consider this  one the million and first article, because sometimes people need to hear just how much they mean to us.

Dear Best Friend,

God placed the people in our lives for a reason. Sometimes I wonder how I got so lucky and what I have done to deserve a friend like you. People have come and gone out of my life, but for some reason you stayed and never left. You are one of the greatest gifts God has ever given me.

You are the person I turn to for absolutely everything, big or small, and that means the world to me. During my darkest hours, you were my bright light to guide me, when I needed a hand to hold, a shoulder to cry on you were right there beside me. You have saved me from my own insanity and I couldn’t be more grateful.

Sitting back and thinking about all our crazy impulsive adventures are great, but being able to think back to the nights all we did was acorn, watch movies on Putlocker, and bitch about everything is even better. I reminded myself that it’s okay if we don’t go out and do something, because the party is right wherever we are. When we’re together our laughs grow, our cries stop, and we ugly Snapchat away the night. And honestly, I’d rather be doing that over anything else (most of the time– we gotta stop being such homebodies).

We have a great time just driving around and dancing in the car like complete imbeciles because who cares if anyone sees? We look adorable doing it, and we have no intention of stopping. We piss guys everywhere we go, but it’s okay because we got each other. Sometimes I wonder if we are gay for each other.

Every best friend relationship is different– they grow from being new friends, to good friends, to best friends, to basically sisters. Every step of the way to you becoming my family has been emotional, exciting, nerve-wrecking, and absolutely beautiful. I have absolutely zero idea what I would do without you, and I have no intention of ever finding out. Sorry babe, you’re stuck with me, and I know we wouldn’t have it any other way. I love you, my wifey!

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50 Random Facts About Me

  1. I’m 18 years old
  2. I’m Korean-American
    • Born in American to Koran immigrant parents
  3. I was born in Houston, TX but raised in Greenville, SC
  4. I went to a private school my whole life
  5. I love planning everything ahead of time
  6. My favorite color is black
  7. My favorite number is 7 (notice how i wrote it as my 7th fact 😉 definetley not intentional hehe)
  8. I’m super short (4 feet 8 inches to be exact)
  9. I’m a dog mom
    • He’s a black lab/great dane mix
  10. I love my dog more than people
  11. My favorite subject is math (except Probability and Statistics)
  12. I’m obsessed with astrology- I’m a Scorpio
  13. Before I talk to guys they have to pass “the test”
    • Do they love horror movies?
    • Do they love dogs?
    • Do they love roller coasters?
  14. I’ve been playing piano since I was 5 years old
  15. I am classically trained
  16. I can’t play by ears or sight read to save my life
  17. I love doing my makeup, and consider myself pretty darn good at it, but I’m not a fan of styling my hair…lessons, please!?
  18. I prefer being tan than pale like most Asians
  19. I don’t like Kpop or Korean pop culture and their fashion
  20. I love getting long coffin acrylic nails
  21. My favorite animal is a panda
  22. I’m a freshman in college
  23. I’m majoring in nursing
  24. I am bilingual (Korean and English)
  25. I don’t eat breakfast
  26. I love my coffee with cream and a lot of sugar
  27. My love language is  quality time
  28. I hate flowers
    • but I would be okay with black roses
  29. I’m an only child
  30. I love hiking and nature
  31. When I get stressed and anxious, I like to go out for a drive with the windows down and music up loud
  32. I’m a bookworm/book smart
  33. I hate the color orange (which is why I hate Clemson)
  34. I am a Christian
  35. My favorite verse in The Bible is Jeremiah 29:11
    • ” ‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’ ”

  36. I’m on a plant-based diet
  37. I wore a bikini to the pool for the first time at 17 (Summer of 2016)
  38. My best friend is a Piseces
  39. I hate Geminis
  40. I hate the piece Für Elise by Beethoven
    • There are other piano pieces out there people!
  41. London Tipton from Suite Life of Zack and Cody is my spirit animal
  42. Bullet journaling and my therapist saved my life
  43. I love broadway musicals!
  44. Jessica is my legal first name
  45. Yes, I do have a Korean name- Haehyun
  46. It is my middle name
  47. I can’t procrastinate because I get sever anxiety
  48. I have asthma
  49. I’m very stubborn
  50. Without my glasses or contacts, I can’t even see the giant “E” on the eye doctor’s chart

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