My alarm goes off at 6 in the the morning, indicating that it’s time for me to get ready for school. Everything seems like such a mundane routine by now, and it’s only the beginning to middle of October. I lay in bed because I don’t want to get up, and it feels like the only place where I am safe. However, I manage to muster up the energy to roll myself out of my protective nest, only to be visited by that familiar feeling of dread.
Today is another day where I will be reminded that I am a failure.
My depression comes and goes in flares, and it’s usually brought on by my anxiety involving popular topics such as school, my future, and my insecurities. Lately, it’s been school and my future. I’m obsessed with grades. I’m obsessed with doing well, and I give myself high expectations. But since my depression has been beating me into the ground these past couple of weeks, I find it hard to be motivated in my classes, which stresses me out even more, resulting in a session of numb depression. And then it starts all over again. I tell myself these things that have become quite the regularity:
“I want to drop out of high school”
“I hate myself”
“I hate my life”
“I’m a failure”
“I’m a loser”
“What’s the point?”
These thoughts and I, as scary as they are, are quite acquainted each other. I’m not terrified of them anymore because I’ve gotten so used to their existence. My depression gets so bad sometimes, that I rip myself down to shreds and I am my own worst enemy. Depression is when you look at the thing that once used to scare you dead in the eye, and just not care anymore. Their frightening reality is just another day, just another emotion and it doesn’t phase any longer. It’s this weird combination of feeling like you can take on anything in the world and be emotionless, and yet vulnerable at the same time. You just don’t know what’s going to happen next.
Depression is feeling like nobody understands you, and you’re all alone in this chaotic world. It’s even shutting out the ones who care about you the most because it’s easier to push away those who are the most important to you. It’s curling up in bed and wanting to be left alone and still want to be comforted by someone at the same time. And it’s getting angry at every little thing, crying so much and feeling out of control, but not displaying any emotion at all and giving up on yourself and on everyone else. It’s getting ready for something bad to happen because you’re pessimistic, always looking for the negative. It’s feeling like you deserve to be punished all of the time, and expecting bad things to happen to you on a daily basis. And it hurts. Depression is it’s own kind of unique pain that I can’t exactly put into words, but nobody should have to experience it all alone.
It’s a day of just finding some speck of energy to get by and to complete all of your adult obligations, but wanting to scream at the top of your lungs and have someone tell you it’s going to be okay. It’s me feeling like there is something wrong with me, that nobody will ever love me and I’m going to spend the rest of my days alone and unloved, even though I am surrounded by people who love me so much. It’s forgetting what you have in front of you because they seem so minuscule in comparison to the the painful obstacles you’re enduring. Honestly… depression feels like your world is ending, and everything is hopeless and confusing and a mess. It’s desperately wanting sweet relief more than anything.
The world’s not
really against you
The only one that’s against
you is yourself