I don’t understand why you lied.

Why did you lie?

All the pills you’ve taken, the cigarettes you were smoking, the alcohol you were drinking

Were you ever sober when you were with me?

I would taste alcohol on your breath, but I didn’t care.

All the things you’ve said, were they true?

“You’re the cutest, sweetest thing.” That’s what you said.

You said you had a crush on me. You kissed me in a way I’ve never been kissed before

The way you touched me, the way you reassured me about that night.

You kissed me so passionately and kissed my forehead. You saved me that night or so I thought.

I can’t thank you enough for that. But was that all an act? Did you ever really care about me?

I pray to God you don’t become like your father. I pray that you will get help one day. I pray that the right girl will come along and help you. I wish very much that I could be that girl, but I can’t. I’m sorry. It hurts me seeing you like this.

I’m sorry if I hurt you by not being able to stay, but God was telling me I shouldn’t because I will be even more hurt than I am now.

I pray that one day, you will be real with yourself and admit your problems.

I caught feels for you. I never thought I would EVER catch feelings for anyone. But I did.

I would never admit it to anyone, but I caught feelings for you.

If you didn’t lie to me, maybe this would be different. You keep denying and denying that you don’t do any of those things.

But why am I hearing other things. Why do I hear,

“He is an addict.”

“He pops pills all the time.”

“He will hurt you and manipulate you and lie to you”

You said “I guess this is what nice guys get, right?”

No. You did it to yourself. You lost me because you lied to me.

Maybe. JUST maybe. It would’ve been different if you could tell me the truth.

I asked MULTIPLE times if you still take pills, if you still smoke cigarettes. You continuously said no.

And I believed you. Those brown eyes just staring at me. Making me feel lost and entranced.

You made me look like a dumbass bitch. I believed everything you said.

How could you lie so easily? How could you look at me the way you did and tell me straight in the eyes you don’t do anything? How was it so easy for you? Did you ever mean what you said?

After I broke up with you, how did you move on so easily. Like as if nothing happened and I don’t exist.

“*Austin is throwing a party and hella bitches are coming!”

Did that make you feel more like a man?

Did that make you feel better? Was I ever in your mind during the party?

Were you seeing other girls behind my back? You asked me if I was seeing other guys and I said no. You said cool I’m not seeing anyone either. If you were seeing other girls, why is that okay, but not okay if I see other guys.

The memories of our adventures and your touch still lingers. I want it to go away, but it won’t.

What about you? Do I even exist in your mind anymore? or am I just one of the girls you fucked?

I’m sorry if me leaving you hurt you. But it was for the best. For both of us.

I understand I’ll never understand why or if you ever were sober when we were together. It’s been eating me alive, but I’m finally going to let go of this pain I feel.

My head is all over the place. I can’t think straight. I don’t want to eat. I just want to sleep. You hurt me.

CJ showed me that anger is a secondary emotion. I was VERY angry the night I found out about the party and the lies you told.

Anger derives from being hurt, threatened, and fear.

I feel hurt and threatened because I was vulnerable with you. I told you EVERYTHING about me. I opened up to you and now I feel stupid. I don’t know what your intentions were when you got with me, but I pray that it was good. I know you are a good guy, *Austin, but you lied and hurt me. And I believe it was because you are afraid to be like your father. But *Austin, you are NOTHING like your father. But if you continue the path you are on, you will be. You are your own person. You are not your father. I hope you get help, babe. You are worth so much more than all the pills you’re taking. I care so much about you. You talked to me EVERYDAY! We talked until 3 am and opened up to each other. I thought you were different, but I guess I was wrong.

*this is not his real name! I changed it for security reasons!

 

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