Every single day, it never fails, I feel like I’m drowning.
Every single day, it never fails, I have a panic attack.
Every single day, it never fails, I am scared of myself.
It doesn’t get easier, it never has. The medicine doesn’t help. But, every single day, I pick myself up, and keep going. No matter how hard it is. No matter how much I want to give up, I pick myself up and keep moving. Keep living. I have to keep living.
Most people don’t understand what it’s like to live with depression, anxiety, and have a constant cycle of fear. Some people think they do, and they try to act like they understand, but in reality they have no fucking idea how it feels.
They don’t know how it feels to be on the ground in tears because you’ve just had too much interactions. They don’t know how it feels to have a seizure inside your body from anxiety, when the outside looks perfectly normal. They don’t know how it feels to be surrounded by so many people who love you, yet you feel so alone. They don’t know how it feels to not want to get up in the morning because you’re too scared of yourself to get up. They just don’t know.
Every little thing is hard. Every time I have to leave my room, it’s hard. Every time I have to talk to people I don’t know, it’s hard. Every time I’m in a crowded room, it’s hard. The simplest things in life seem to be the hardest.
Somedays, I wish that it would all just go away. Somedays, I wish I hadn’t been cursed with a demon inside.
But then there are days that I realize I see things differently because of my disorder. I appreciate things more. I love harder because of my disorder. I have found people that understand me and love me for me. I have my best friend and my family who are there for me. For having a curse living inside 24/7, it does have some good that come from it.
So to whoever is reading this, just know, even when you feel alone, you aren’t. When you feel like you’re drowning, just know, it won’t last forever. When you feel like you just can’t do it anymore, just know, you can ask for help; you can be needy, because everyone needs someone sometimes. This disorder sucks, but you, you can handle it. I know you can. You’re a fighter. So, push, push past all of the damn struggles you’re going through, push push push. And you just tell that anxiety and depression to go to hell.
“This too shall pass, my darling.”